Negative Words of Hope

Maybe you have looked at your life lately and noticed that all your pillars seem to be falling apart. Sometimes its NOT about preparing your ground for a ripe harvest and beautiful new season. Sometimes, you need to make peace with God, who is as Terrible as He is Merciful. I learnt the following today, with a heart that trembled at His Words as I journey through the book of Ezekiel (25 & 26). I hope you read with a listening, and submissive heart…towards God.
If you,
1. have been privileged at one time or other, to be within an intimate circle of trust or vision with a child of God whether as a family, friend, colleague, fellow minister and pilgrim, media consumer and…
2. felt satisfied with the destruction of a called one, or nation, or tribe who had rebelled against God “… Because you said, ‘Aha!’ against My sanctuary when it was profaned, and against the land of Israel when it was desolate,”
3. Rejoiced gleefully when you witnessed God’s dealing with one of His own in judgement, to despise them… “Because you clapped your hands, stamped your feet, and rejoiced in heart with all your disdain for the land of Israel.”
4. Made nonsense of God’s election of a particular person on group of people during the time of their distress, to pronounce them as common, not really special etc ““Because Moab and Seir say, ‘Look! The house of Judah is like all the nations,”
5. took advantage of a person’s or group of person’s distress when God’s favor seemed to desert them, to avenge yourself of real or imagined/fabricated wrongdoing at this time, i.e. kicking them while they were down. You believed them hated and unprotected of God because of their predicament in the land and added to their pain due to your previous disapproval of them…”Because of what Edom did against the house of Judah by taking vengeance, and has greatly offended by avenging itself on them…Because the Philistines dealt vengefully and took vengeance with a spiteful heart, to destroy because of the old hatred,”
You need to seriously consider making peace with God. When a loving parent disciplines their child to draw them back to himself or herself, there is appropriate response by witnesses, and this never includes, picking up crude artillery against them, trying to fan the parent’s anger, trying to convince the child that their parent no longer loves them and they are strangers to them, or even stomping them down with your heavy duty boots to rid the parent of their obvious disappointment at their child. If you do these…it is against you the parent will unleash His anger…without leaving their child un-taught. God is not dysfunctional as God, Father, Leader, and in all His Sovereignty. You need to make peace with God…believe Him to be The Best Parent you have ever had the privilege of coming across…There is yet another group that God’s Hand is Targeting
6. If you have ever seen the destruction of someone else, a nation, organisation, business, ministry, marriage, family, friendship, as an opportunity to exalt yourself into a place of privilege, especially when these were ordained and established in God, for you there will be a special hell on earth. People will come from high places to tremble at your own descent for it will be obvious that God has dealt Himself against you. Ezekiel 26 “…because Tyre has said against Jerusalem, ‘Aha! She is broken who was the gateway of the peoples; now she is turned over to me; I shall be filled; she is laid waste.”
God’s paternity is not seasonal…let us return to Him to request that He amputates, and delivers us of that stubborn limb in us that perpetually seeks and rejoices in the shaming and destruction of others…or else…you will know Him as God, as you feel His Hand turned against you.

Why Even Pray for Them?

There are many reasons to STOP PRAYING for them, genuine, just reasons. Ones that anyone would understand. Primarily, they don’t really think that its useful…and besides, why would Almighty God even stop to listen to someone of whom they think so little, as they do you? I mean, they have it more together. What could you possibly have to tell God on their behalf, that they would not do better on their own – or at least someone else they think is more suitable? They may cause you great harm even to stop you from praying…and gather enough around them to make them feel right about doing so.

God has given me many reasons why I should CONTINUE PRAYING for them. Its not for their applause really…never has been about that. But more about His intent…His True Heart…”For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.” John 3:17 NKJV and “The Lord does not delay [as though He were unable to act] and is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is [extraordinarily] patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.” 2 Peter 2:9 AMP. It got me thinking, that when I want anything else for someone God created, am desiring contrary to Him…and what does that make me if not an anti-Christ? Hmmm

So this morning He gave me, reminded me, of one more reason to pray for…my family, my friends,, my neighbors, my country, my world, my employer, my colleagues, and yes, even the ones who hate me so much, they would not want me mentioning their names lovingly before God. If I don’t, if I am the only one able to, or even willing to and I don’t, and anything happens to them that could have been prevented by my praying…heavy responsibility…but in His own words…” “I looked for someone to stand up for Me against all this, to repair the defenses of the city, to take a stand for Me and stand in the gap to protect this land so I wouldn’t have to destroy it. I couldn’t find anyone. Not one. So I’ll empty out My wrath on them, burn them to a crisp with My hot anger, serve them with the consequences of all they’ve done. Decree of God, the Master.”
Ezekiel 22:31-32 The Message (MSG)


I spent last night and early this morning at a labor ward with a close friend whose husband was away on a trip. The labor ward has a lot of lessons for those who wait in prayer in The LORD.

I learnt that because you get in first, does not mean that you get out first or at all, or even get blessed first. Sometimes, one looses their expectation at this crucial time.

I learnt that, in the labor ward, modesty of dress and manner is really not priority. The less you have on, the easier it is to remove, the better you will be attended to. Ignore those that mock you in your birthing hour…they are the ones who are inappropriate.

I learnt that when you pray for release, and the pain seems to increase, and your groans seem to choke up your prayers, God is still in charge, and at His exact timing, He answers your prayer according to His Will.

I learnt that sometimes the more human assistance you require and receive at this crucial place of birthing, the longer it takes you to heal from the trauma of it all.

I learnt that when you hold the answer to your prayers in your arms, it is often very difficult to remember what you just went through, and if you focus on the past, it keeps you from enjoying and worshiping God for the breakthrough you have received.

I learnt that something you go through may be potentially fatal, but does no harm to you or your blessing – but one may be harmed in seeming safety.

I learnt that you may be in the same situation with another in the ward, even groan at the very same time, but that even when someone is there to hold you, the pain still is very personal…and cannot be numbed simply by being in like company.

I learnt, that God raises who He Wills to intercede for your birthing experience, that others may want to be there for you, but are kept out because He is The Writer of your story.

I learnt that the intercessor will notice others that suffer like you, but because they are called to stand with you, they can not stand with the others there too. Not in the way they are with you anyway.

I learnt that you may know its time, the intercessor may know its time, but it is God who moves the mountains to work in agreement with His timing for you. You cannot make it happen, because though there for you, there are not really there for you…but for themselves.

I learnt that in labor ward, it helps to focus on the task of birthing. Just that.

I am grateful that God raised me, and strengthened me and moved me to be in a place of His revelation, then rested me afterwards.

To Climb a Tree

I got thinking today, seeing in my mind the rich and powerful people I know, have heard of or seen from a distance, and imagined them, one by one, hoisting themselves up a tree for a better few of…okay, think of the ones you know, unless they are actors or environmentalists, what would they be doing up there? It would be more plausible for them to shove their way to the front, or get their security to do it for them so that they would get a better view. And then I thought of a group of rich and/or powerful men all trying to get a glimpse of the same thing, live. That would be even worse…a cloud of security would probably make it impossible for their bosses to get a glimpse.
Short Zacchaeus was in such a situation. He was rich, he was powerful, but the pharisees and the disciples seemed more fitted for a close up with Jesus Christ. This was not his crowd, and it was likely that they would not hesitate to remind him of the fact. Among this sort, his position was despicable…because you see, they thought they knew him well. The source of his wealth was, fishy, so they felt it was their duty to protect God and heaven from the likes of him. Even without knowing they were doing it. But this did not numb his keen hunger, to see Christ, and say to Him what only He could hear, understand, appreciate and mitigate.
So he did something that could mostly be associated with a child, or someone who life had drained of anything they could loose. He was both. And because the Kingdom of Heaven belonged to such as he, The LORD of Heaven, ‘heard’ his faith, his hunger, and saw him shed all, that he might have a glimpse of Him. And Jesus, spoke above the cloud that hindered Him from getting to Him, and then drew Him forth that they might fellowship together.
“let the LITTLE children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, ANYONE who WILL NOT receive The Kingdom of God like a LITTLE CHILD will NEVER enter it.” Luke 18:15-17

Yet Again

So there I was, feeling sorry for myself, yet again. Thinking I deserve much better, yet again. Unwilling to intercede even as I found myself on my knees, yet again. So I opened my Bible yet again, and once more, hoped that God would not rebuke me for my wicked stance, yet again. He reminded me, yet again, that I was His bride eternally. And as He did, it dawned on me, that He, has called me to find my life, strength, sense of worth, contentment in Him, that He lives to intercede for me all the time despite my penchant for murky waters, that He loves me perennially, defends me with all He is and has against all who perpetually accuse me, and that He, not I, not by a long shot, deserves better. And once again, I find myself where I truly am made by Him, made ready by Him, made more than I deserve by Grace in Him.

“For your Maker is your husband,
The Lord of hosts is His name;
And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel;
He is called the God of the whole earth.
For the Lord has called you
Like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit,
Like a youthful wife when you were refused,”
Says your God.
“For a mere moment I have forsaken you,
But with great mercies I will gather you…“O you afflicted one,
Tossed with tempest, and not comforted,
Behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems,
And lay your foundations with sapphires.

…All your children shall be taught by the Lord,
And great shall be the peace of your children.
In righteousness you shall be established;
You shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear;
And from terror, for it shall not come near you.
Indeed they shall surely assemble, but not because of Me.
Whoever assembles against you shall fall for your sake.
“Behold, I have created the blacksmith
Who blows the coals in the fire,
Who brings forth an instrument for his work;
And I have created the spoiler to destroy.

No weapon formed against you shall prosper,
And every tongue which rises against you in judgment
You shall condemn.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,
And their righteousness is from Me,”
Says the Lord.” Isaiah 54:5 NKJV


Speaking Perfectly on Pause

This week, the week just ended, has been ‘spiritually traumatizing’ for me. In a good way. Good trauma. But still as shattering as all trauma can be. I will share more on why, when God blesses me with the words to, either sooner or later. But let me give this particular one a try.

Leroy, Shukri and I are studying the life of Moses as a family…the journey that defined his answer to God’s call to Leadership. One that justified in so many ways, the forty years he spent in the dessert of Midian, taking care of his father-in-law’s sheep. Thinking about those frightening [my perspective alright?] wooly creatures that he had to adapt to after 40 indulgent years as a prince in Egypt, first of all makes me wonder about the apparent extremes that is usual in God’s Purpose Training School. That shift must have hurt Moses physically, emotionally, spiritually even in a very physical feeling way. I hope you understood that last sentence, because as of now, I don’t have any other way of putting it. If I were Moses, I would have had to get past my job description which would include watching over animals in a manner that keeps them close to me [in my world so far, I have finally acceded to the fact that human beings often are absolutely frightening and inconsistence and only sometimes, due to good things like ‘growth’… But in my book, I would still rather hold the hand of a frightening human being than the paw of a tame – ‘anything else alive that is not human’. Just in case you wondered…] So I would have had to learn to hold these wooly creatures and risk having them move as I held them, protect them maybe from other pawed creature…sometimes the clawed ones as well, in other words, get past myself and learn to love  from close up and care for them. Then, being employed by your father in law….even if he is absolutely nice, like Jethro seemed to be. That broke me too. Then one day, after 40 years of getting used to sheep moving helter-skelter in every direction possibly, apart from the one you want them to be headed or standing in; God appears to you!  As a FIRE that burns while not burning. Then speaks to you. Okay slow down and let this sink in…

It is possible that not many people had the patience to speak to you before then [which probably explains why you were given the animals to keep track of] because then you would have to respond to them. And that stammer…not to mention you are 80 years old, Hebrew-Egyptian…meaning you are probably slower of speech, retaining a foreign twang and stammering valiantly through all that. So they probably said ‘hi’ to you as they walked rapidly past you. You got used to the loneliness…then God, Who is fluent in this thing called Speech not only stops by, but seems to have been around all the time watching you and seeking your audience. And He says more than a quick ‘hi’ which would have been enough to make your whole year! You would have used that story to hold the sheep’s attention – “God stopped by and said ‘hi’ to me!”. And it did not matter if the other humans did not stop a little longer to hear you out…it would probably take too much of their time…and just so they would confirm that there was something else ‘wrong‘ with you that ‘justified’ your stammer. No, God, The Almighty, Who made all those peoples and animals and their world etc, spoke sentences and sentences to you! He had seen and favored you and was trusting you with the one thing that had made you want to disappear from the earth in the first place – to lead His chosen people out of captivity. They were not a few tens of people, but thousands of them, and they were slaves to one of the most sophisticated and powerful civilizations of the day. A civilization in which you were a Wanted Man for the murder of a kingdom official. And more than that, He is actually asking you to expose your weakness to the leader of that civilization Pharaoh: He is sending you, yes YOU the lonely-stammering- refuge- shepherd, to…SPEAK with you faithful pauses, to Pharaoh on behalf of His People! Now you probably ‘understand’ why He would stop by and talk to you when most people would not…the ‘home-time‘ bell was ringing…it was time for you to go home…to die.

So you stammer your challenges framed as polite questions back at God. He answers and sends you help. And your heart begins to trust Him again…you take to heart all He has done for you. God has shown Himself to you, and spoken to you, and given you a task that if successful would liberate a whole nation that had been slaves for 400+ years, and additionally, you would from time to time need to speak to them, to tell them what God has said. But God has sent you the best help He has. Your very own BIG BROTHER! Aaron is a big brother and would stand up for you and by you if anyone dared make fun of his kid bro. Besides, he is blessed with what you weren’t – he can speak fluently. I don’t know…but maybe he did not as a baby, have to float around a crocodile teeming river like you did, but we will understand the whole story in all Truth when we see God face to face. You feel much better about this. God and Aaron with you are the best you could hope for in this world. And it is.  What a team!  God, speaks, you stammer, Aaron translates, Pharaoh listens, pharaoh’s heart hardens, Hebrews cry out, Egyptians cry out, Pharaoh says sorry, you speak to God, God hears and brings relief, and Pharaoh changes his mind. This is repeated 9 times with increasingly devastating effects…for everyone, even the slaves hoping for redemption…and most times, you have just God and Aaron on your side. But you keep going back to the ring so to speak, for Your Master is unrelenting in His Purpose now that His Time has come. And then one day, a terrible thing happens, first-borns die. And then a terrific thing happens, Pharaoh says to you and all those slaves “GO AWAY!!!!!” And finds you all enthusiastically compliant.

There is more drama, as Pharaoh changes his mind, and dies for it. And waters open to let you through…then you are in a wilderness…leading a human species of sheep, who are given to going anywhere else than the place you are leading them to. You see, adapting from always being slaves to being free men, naturally means going to another extreme – rebellion, before they are tamed into knowing that freedom, not unlike slavery, is sustained and governed by that concept that is sometimes painful – Rules and Ethics. But not all are that way given to rebellion. For some like big brother Aaron, the issue is fear of the crowd they lead. But others like Joshua, learn courage by making it their lives’ priority, to remain God’s Presence. And God’s Glory and Grace, keeps you and all of them on His route.

Then one day He, God, speaks on your behalf, when your big brother and big sister have slandered your role as Speaker of the Nation of Israel. He says of you”

“Listen carefully to what I’m telling you.
If there is a prophet of God among you,
I make myself known to him in visions,
I speak to him in dreams.
But I don’t do it that way with my servant Moses;
he has the run of my entire house;
I speak to him intimately, in person,
in plain talk without riddles:
He ponders the very form of God.
So why did you show no reverence or respect
in speaking against my servant, against Moses?”

God for Whom you had spoken, stammered more accurately, heard the gossip on you, and summoned the culprits into His Presence, and being very angry, SPOKE on your behalf, telling the world so to speak, that He, God, trusted you as His friend!

Let me leave you with this first part of my learning in trauma… I ask you to ponder on this a while. While I while away some time, and ask God for words to speak of the rest on. Shalom.

When its cool to speak negativity into your homes and nations…

I have noticed to my dismay and heartbreak that many of us take delight in speaking negative remarks, sometimes factual but not necessarily so, about our nations and our relationships. Tongue in cheek wicked [yes I used that word] statements about that which we love and trully want the best for have become interpreted as humour, or as Truth even. In a way it makes us feel like we are freed from the inhibitions and are part of an in-crowd. What we may know and choose to ignore is that our words are life and death. And when two agree over ANYTHING on earth it is santioned in Heaven. AND IT IS DONE FOR US.

So when we agree that our spouses and our leaders are irredeemable and get just one other person to agree with us, it simply becomes fact. More so when we say it to them. When we state that our countries, regions, continents, families, races are a certain way and agree with that notion with finality and get just one other person to agree with us, it becomes fact.

Perhaps your home and your nation are not changing and becoming the best that God created them to be because of your words. Dont look anywhere else, I am addressing YOU. Perhaps…Perhaps your work situation remains as it is because you have spoken life into a decayed situation in order to perpetuate it. We are called to extend God’s Excellence, Purity and shalom in every aspect of our world; to plead His Kingdom to come. If only two of us can agree that it is Truth – then Africa, Asia, Australia, The Islands, The Americas, Europe, every land will reflect God’s Kindgom. Your home will reflect God’s Kingdom. We of cause like Abraham acknowledge that which is against us but dont stop there…we then declare that God Can. After all as Hebrews 11:3 says “By faith we understand that the entire universe was formed at God’s command, that what we now see did not come from anything that can be seen.”. He made everything we see now, from what cannot be seen.

Lets do something True for our nations and our homes. Lets speak Light into every dark situation. If this month and the next we get into the moment by moment habit of saying in God’s Spirit to every dark situation “Let there be Light’ we will testify to the Light in our lifetimes….and we will make it difficult for the darkness within and around us to remain. Let there be Light in Jesus’ Name in my country Kenya, my continent Africa, in my relationships and in my home and situation. Go on declare light over your region…

AND REPENT for your words in the past that have perpetuated the situation you think yourself above. For God’s Word says in Mathew 112:36 “But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken.” A Word to the wise….

December 1, 2010 , God was there…

A year ago today, my children and I were evicted from our last house. We had no where to go to, humanly speaking. Yet, God had a plan and a messenger to execute it. God became in a very real sense, our Shield and Shelter. As I look back to this past season, I can say God has been Ebenezer, Emmanuel, Jireh, Comforter, Husband, Abba, Friend, Defender…and more. Much, much, more. He has been undeservedly gracious to us. Thank you Abba Father. You have caused us to sing Your Song in a strange place.

My prayer today is for those who face the fear and hopelessness I faced in that time, that they will meet and know my God in ways as personal and complete as He has been to my children and I.  And that the messengers He sends their way, will not fear and be absolutely and joyfully obedient as those He has sent and continues to send my way. May you learn to look to God for your provision for the arm of flesh WILL fail you – and know that no particular helper He sends can ever take His place in terms of permanence and provision. In any way. May you learn to let go of the season and friends and even family whose presence cannot withstand the season you are in, and forgive yourself for expecting from them, what heaven did not give them to give to you. May God keep your heart loving, and free from bitterness and unforgiveness. May you find joy in this new season, for though it looks gloomy, and it feels like dying, there is joy in this pathway…if you follow Jesus closely. May He give you purpose in the new place He leads you too, even if its much humbler than the one from which He has taken you – there is joy in being broken. May He rise up to defend you from the ones both flesh and spirit that would maliciously and sometimes out of ignorance turn up the faucet of pain, despair and shame, and give you a new name and identity that cannot be changed by any circumstances you find yourself in. May He be your Bread and Wine, and the cloak that covers you. May you feel His gentleness, hear His Love and allow yourself to be renewed and restored to that which you would never have been if not for this valley. May the valley of shame and trouble, become because you have passed through it, a sanctuary unto God, a place of rejoicing, a fertile place for each of the others that WILL pass through it in the times to come. May you find God’s shalom in this place.

Thank you my unexpected friends and helpers, for not looking the other way…for visiting with us in the wilderness, and for every hug, every word of comfort, every honest word of rebuke where you did not understand what God was doing and perhaps still do not with our lives, for the ones who left worn out from the loving in a difficult place, for the ones who prayed, for the ones who heard God with me, and encouraged me to carry my cross and follow Him. Thank you, and may your God be identified by your name as mine is The God of Vip. Thank You Jesus.

The ‘Womb of God’

God has been teaching me about ‘His Womb’

I was sitting wondering why so many of us are in such pandemonium …and God reminded me that labor can happen at any time during a pregnancy…but when its real, and timely, it comes much faster as the birthing of the baby nears. The protective membrane around the unborn child collapses and there is no longer support internally…the womb begins to contract to expel the child…and the child is often born crying out loud…perhaps the pressure of the womb makes it suspect that the mother is trying to kill him or her..but I know there is a true reason for this as labor often tires both the mother and the child, not to mention all the rest witnessing it.  But there is also a feeling of achievement if the baby survives the process…and if the mother survives too.

So …it is hoped that the child being born has developed well enough during the time it was hidden from sight to resemble its parents when presented to those like it, and will not be born looking incomplete or as something other than human…in terms of species.

In the process of labour, the one being born looses their pattern of breathing, survival in the womb in order to gain a new superior way of breathing and survival. In order to relate more maturely perhaps, even publicly with the  parents…I kept hearing that the womb of God is contracting faster and that my DNA had better be that of The Father when expelled He sends me out to His World, to relate with others like Him and those not like Him as well. That, in the labour process the womb seems to be the enemy but it is actually the friend. S/He who has ears….

The Dilemma of Interpreting Human Rights Ideals into our Romantic Relationships

I met an old friend recently and on finding out that this handsome specimen was still single I offered to take a look at his ‘resume’ and introduce him to someone. Or better still see if his qualifications fitted into my list of requirements for the still vacant position of ‘Vip’s Husband’. He laughed and told me in so many words that he was basically terrified of my ‘Beijing ideals’ finding their way into and corrupting his comfortable existence. It made me wonder, not for the first time, why many men an some women fear and distrust the notion of human rights for women. Not only that but why belief in these disqualifies almost automatically its adherents from any hope of a permanent, blissful, committed relationship.

Poor understanding of the concept leading to poor translation into real life.

Many of us who have been involved in the advancement of the human rights of women seem to make men generally uncomfortable. Especially with regard to the possibility of building long term relationships. The media depictions that remain engrained in their minds are unfortunate – we have those of women tugging their skirts over their heads reminding the world that bloomers still exist in order to express their displeasure over some serious issue. Then there are those that will chop of a crucial male muscle as punishment for real or suspected infidelity. What I think scares them the most is the template answers we have for every situation we face – ambiguous, puzzling clichés that we learnt at the last workshop and we are still to be sure what they mean, but said with such vehemence that our hearer will be sure that they have been insulted, but not of how.

There needs to be much more depth in teaching on transforming international conventions into usable life skills. Where a woman is allowed to work on knowing intimately both these conventions, as well as her own character, personality and dreams and interpreting the former into the latter. As vocational, purpose driven home-maker – can you still claim your rank among the empowered? Does being empowered mean that you place less value on the man you love; and the live you dreamed of building together, to become  a human rights advocate when this does not fulfill you?


Most read empowerment of women to mean the transference of power from men to women. Granted, in some cases, this needs to be the case. But just as being a man should never be the prerequisite for a job, the same applies for being a woman. We need to realize that although things have changed considerably, and we are more independent of men than we used to be, we still have use for them, and that the world can only function well if each takes their roles seriously. And by this I am not saying we go back to the idea that “women can only do —– and men must be —–“ Each person has strengths. When we come together as a team, as in a marriage each one should use their strength for the betterment of that institution.

Adapting bad manners

We realized a long time ago that men’s weaknesses were a sign that they had lost control of their lives and could not be trusted with those of others. Why we should think it is a sign of empowerment to repeat their self abasing patterns of serial monogamy/dating/one night stand puzzles me. A truly empowered woman will price her dignity and integrity both in public and in private. Those who have not really grasped the concept of gender equity may interpret true power as the opportunity to seek revenge in ways that ultimately cause her more pain than any relief. Others will not go this far but will adapt the arrogant manner and speech that still reflect more on her than on the person who hurt her. Let us take a little more time to think before we act.

A realization of the cosmetic nature of out commitment to empowering women.

Some of us have been known to say of the endeavor “That is work; and this is real life.” No wonder therefore that the argument is not making any difference in the life of the real woman. She keeps going back to the man who beats’, rapes, and emotionally abuses both her and her children. She is perplexed by the gravity/ the weight of the knowledge she has received in theory, but has given her no real power to change her personal circumstances. A truly empowered woman will realize that discipline is a loving and important part of the growth of every human relationship and will use it to build her love affair with the man in her life.

A realization of the sanctity of our rights as human being needs to be combined with innate wisdom to know when to enforce them and when to exercise patience. On the other hand, all disagreements should not be cause for divorce, separation or result in some legal tussle. We need to demonstrate our prowess in communication and in truly loving ourselves by being able to discern which relationships are worth keeping, to realize that even in the right circumstances relationships demand work, and use her intelligence and grace to fight for these.


The ‘Wife’ Dilemma

We spend so much time developing ourselves in our unique disciplines but when it comes to relationships, we are expected to dismiss these as unworkable theories. We shed off our ideals as soon as the opportunity is extended. We are then so uncomfortable with who we have become, because we ourselves are not convinced enough. We go back to being ‘traditional wives’ which translated means lacking in esteem, opinion, passion, personality, character except as an echo to this man we are so afraid of loosing because we feel he is what defines us. And many of us have fallen into that trap only to have the men we have slip through our fingers and into the claws of a woman who reminds us so much of who we used to be. As an empowered woman you are a pearl that can only get better. If someone loves you for who you are,  then that is who he wants.

Creation of Empowered men for the empowered woman

In some communities, opportunities for women to be educated came about in response to the need for educated men to find like companions in their marriages. The truth is that for these ideals to work for your relationship, you may need to clue your man in on them. Your man is exposed to rumors at work and as his socializes, that may affect the way he responds to your endeavors. He needs to recognize and be re-attracted to the empowered woman that you have become. If you have always been aggressive be so – in an empowered way. But even to the gentle, soft-spoken, maybe he just needs to hear it in your voice as you lull him to sleep and see it as you sew on his buttons on your way to yet another convention. He probably needs to see you leading a convention and nursing his 10th baby – unabashedly. When you fall asleep after work for two straight years and deny him his conjugal rights because your passion has been spent empowering other women, and then are perplexed your house help has seen to it that her duties include expanding your family, you are not being fair to him or honest to yourself.

It is true that sometimes men need to be shaken into realizing that their women folk are human beings demanding of equal, sometimes more, regard than them. Especially those abusive ones. And that mystery does wonders for a woman. Beyond this though, you need to be able to communicate with the man you love. Ask him to help you understand some of those concepts you still have difficulty with. Find out what he thinks about the ones you do understand and how these can improve the way you relate to one another. This way you will be enlightening him and helping him realize that Beijing was not another word for ‘Home-wreckers Convention’. It will also build him up because he needs to model true masculinity to your sons, and relevant males in his sphere of influence. Even if he is negative, initially and in the long term, you will still have passed on a message. You would be surprised to find that he defends your course to his friends using your exact argument. Being an empowered woman does not contradict your being feminine. It should be the amour that guards your womanhood from injury from critics of both sexes. It should not stop you from doing things for the man you love because you love to do it.

First Published in Oakland Media’s Eve Magazine in 2004

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